The advent of the internet and social media has brought us closer together in a way that has never before been witnessed, connecting viewers with millions of others online. In this postmodern age, it has never been easier to see what and how other people are doing: their lifestyles, their achievements, their successes.
But with every advantage in this world comes an equal or greater disadvantage, and this case is by no means an exception. The most insidious quality that social media has ever brought into this world is that it has made it easier than ever before to compare yourself to your peers.
Media and mistakes
Imagine yourself sloughing down onto an old beaten-down couch after a long day at a job you’re not particularly passionate about or proud of. You decide to flip on the television and see what’s going on in the world. Media of any form has always served as a good distraction, and you need that to keep from dwelling on things.
You flip through channels until you hit the culinary network, and for a brief moment, you’re excited to see what dishes you can cobble together. Lately, you’ve found that your passion lies in cooking (If only you’d figured that out before spending four years of your life trying to get a B.A. in creative writing and another two years out of a job.).
The show presents an immaculately kept kitchen beyond a notably gaudy and extravagant dining hall. The hall is lined with seats filled with bankers and stockbrokers in finely tailored suits, their lapels as big as your jean pockets. The chefs are busy in back, scrambling to prepare some of the most finely crafted meals you’ve ever seen.
Small plates of duck confit are carefully interspersed with intricate sauces, which are arranged among the plates in fabulous curving rings and twirling lines. You can feel your mouth watering as each plate is brought forth to the camera with a diligence you’ve never known. You want to know what it’s like to taste them, to feel the cacophony of flavours on your tongue.
But it dawns on you all too soon that you’re a long way from ever getting to touch that experience, because these wealth fund managers and celebrities had what you didn’t. They had vigour, knowledge and a drive to pursue their dreams. And luck. Oh, how they had luck! They were in the right places at the right time and made the connections they needed to, while you sat reading The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White.
You can feel that voice in the back of your mind begin to gnaw. That voice that whispers your mistakes and insecurities like an actor reading a script. In a hurried rush, you turn off your television only to then open your phone. Perhaps there’s something better waiting for you on Instagram.
You scroll your finger languidly down the page until something catches your eye. A familiar face from a past you just barely remember. Perhaps they’re a childhood friend that stayed within the confines of your childhood, or maybe they’re a cousin you’ve seen once or twice in the past eight years and only think about in passing. They might even be an ex you loved in a way you wished they loved you back.
They’re standing confidently in a suit or a lab coat with a bright smile upon their face, and a bold and impressive house is looming tall in the background. Their picture writes success in invisible letters. You can’t pry your eyes away, try as you might, and the voice in your head gets ever louder. “That could’ve been you,” it snarls in a voice too uncomfortably like yours. “If only we’d applied ourselves. Did the hard thing. Put in effort and took big risks.”’
In that moment, every mistake you’ve ever felt you made on this road of life you’ve walked becomes too bold and pressing to ignore. You’ve lost where others have won. While they’ve succeeded, all you’ve done is fail. They have a Maserati and an eight-million-dollar mansion. You have a futon and a stack of unfinished manuscripts. They’re a gleaming diamond and you’re a brittle rock.
You want to live like them, earn like them and succeed like them. But more than that, you want to stop feeling like a stone among diamonds. And you can.
Pandemic problems
The COVID-19 pandemic threw my life out of order and with it, my thoughts. Just months before it began, I had a great group of friends to organize fun trips with, I had prospects of becoming a bona fide author, and the voice in the back of my head was little more than an occasional chirp. My life was good, and I found myself only concentrating on that. I was grateful, but that gratitude diminished once it became an expectation.
By the middle of the pandemic, I hadn’t seen my friends in months, and I hadn’t heard from them, either. The endless time between sleeps made my life seem remote and purposeless. There were online university classes and books to read, but none of the excitement or purpose that gives life meaning.
Quickly, I fell into a deep depression. It didn’t help that I turned to media and substances to fill my waking moments. I felt alone and unheard. Writing was the only thing that kept me out of bed, but the more I wrote, the less satisfaction I derived from it. It started to feel tedious and my passion waned. Eventually, it disappeared altogether, until I found out that one of my colleagues had published a book. Not only that, it had received a wide array of praise and accolades.
I wanted to feel good for them and a part of me did, but a louder part felt only envy. I wanted their success to be mine. I kept comparing myself and my writing to theirs. They were a go-getter. Whatever anxiety they felt must’ve been trivial compared to the sheer determination they had to accomplish their dreams.
I thought I had that same spark, and it took me drowning in that stew of envy and bitterness to realize that I didn’t. I kept wondering what it was that they had that I didn’t. Did they have connections? Great luck? A barrage of support? Some time later, I discovered that neither was the case. They came from a broken home: one parent an alcoholic, the other a basket-case. They didn’t have access to the same quality of life that I had.
Where I coasted on my parent’s tools, money and advantages, this author worked three jobs just to afford a roof over their head. Where I spent the majority of my days spiralling and stewing over mistakes made years ago, they grinded and worked themselves into exhaustion just to complete their book. That fact didn’t make me admire them; it only made me jealous that despite everything, I couldn’t do what they could.
A new mindful perspective
That was OK, I learned through months and years of therapy. It was a hard process, to be sure. I ended up admitting to myself some things that I’d sooner keep buried, and with mindfulness practices came an understanding of many notions that helped my envy wither. I had seen, throughout my life, people who had gone out to parties with friends and experienced places and events that I could only dream of. That was OK, too!
The first step was admitting to myself that it was OK that people had experiences that I couldn’t have or couldn’t share. Everyone leads a different life, after all, and while I envied what other people were doing, I found that there were moments in my life I’m certain that others wished they had. I grew to recognize, too, that the boredom I felt was OK. That you don’t always need the excitement and bustle that other people experience, especially if you’re an introvert.
The hardest part of this journey of mine was grappling with self-compassion. How could I find compassion for a guy like me? How could I forgive myself for those missed opportunities and wasted time?
The hardest part of this journey of mine was grappling with self-compassion. How could I find compassion for a guy like me? How could I forgive myself for those missed opportunities and wasted time? The answer was anything but simple, and I had to practice recognizing and understanding that my negative thoughts about myself were just thoughts. I had to treat them as such and change my perspective so the words came out in a more positive way.
Instead of wondering why I couldn’t have success, I thought to myself, “My journey will just take longer to reach that haven.” When I felt that envy of watching people hanging out at parties while I stayed locked up in my room, I thought to myself, “I just haven’t met my chosen group of friends yet. When I do, parties will fall into my lap.” I also reminded myself that it’s OK to feel bad or bored from time to time, and that everyone has good days and bad days, and … just days.
Therapy required that I journal down my thoughts, and when I did, I found that I’d rediscovered my love for writing. The inspiration it brought me, the creativity. The more I thought, the more I wrote, and the more I wrote, the more I submitted to magazines and journals. The more pieces I submitted, the more rejections flooded my inbox. Those rejections would have buried me like sand, if not for the practices of mindfulness I’d learned.
Rather than let each rejection remind me of what others had achieved that I simply hadn’t, I caught those thoughts and changed them before they could come out. “My writing just wasn’t fit for this particular brand, but that doesn’t mean it’s without merit. There are millions of publications around the world. Eventually, my writing will find its home in a magazine.”
Everyone’s journey is different
Whether you’re an introvert trying to match the excitement of extroverts around you, or an assistant wondering why you haven’t gotten your own office yet, it’s important to recognize that everyone’s life is different and all our lives are filled with both failure and success.
Your boss might look proud behind his mahogany desk, but has he always looked that way? Surely, there were times in his life he wished he was someone else. Social media has made it easier than ever to compare yourself to your peers, and because of that, it can be quite effortless to find yourself feeling worthless by comparison.
It’s important to remind yourself that your journey doesn’t and won’t look like everyone else’s. It might take longer, and you might have more obstacles on your path than someone else does, but eventually, if you push yourself hard enough, you’ll find yourself on the road to your next success.
Being a stone among diamonds doesn’t mean you’re worth less. If anything, it just makes you stand out more.
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