There comes a time when you look around and realize everything is technically OK. You have a roof over your head. A stable relationship. Friends who check in. Maybe even a job that pays the bills. On the outside, life looks fine. But inside? It feels hollow.
For the longest time, I couldn’t quite name this discontent. It wasn’t depression in the clinical sense, and I wasn’t in acute crisis. But I felt distant—from myself, from others, from joy. It was as if I was living my life on autopilot, showing up to the roles expected of me, but emotionally flatlined.
That’s when I stumbled upon a German word that captured this ache perfectly: Sehnsucht.
Sehnsucht: Inexplicable yearning
Sehnsucht loosely translates to a deep, wistful longing for something you can’t quite define. It’s not just missing something you once had. It’s yearning for something that maybe never existed, but your soul still craves it deeply.
And that was exactly what I felt.
Not sadness, not anxiety. Just this low hum of longing. For what? I wasn’t sure. A different life? A version of myself I’d lost along the way? More presence in my relationships? Maybe all of it.
Together yet lonely
One of the strangest aspects of this phase was how it showed up in my marriage. We shared a bed, meals, daily routines. But we didn’t really connect. Conversations became transactional. Affection faded into habit. We weren’t fighting—we were simply co-existing.
We’d lay together, but we didn’t sleep together.
It made me realize how easily emotional intimacy can erode without any obvious crisis. Loneliness in a relationship isn’t always about absence. Sometimes, it’s the ache of presence without connection. And that ache grows quietly, like a fog that rolls in unnoticed until it blankets everything.
When the body keeps the score
What I didn’t expect was how much this invisible ache would show up in my body. I began to feel tired all the time. My back hurt. My jaw tensed at night. I’d have random headaches and muscle aches without any medical explanation.
It turns out, unfelt emotions don’t disappear. They settle into the body. They can manifest as:
- Chronic fatigue without reason
- Muscle tension, especially in the shoulders and neck
- Digestive issues
- Shallow breathing
All of these, I learned, can be signs of internalized emotional weight. When we keep pretending we’re fine, the body keeps the score. It starts to signal what we refuse to acknowledge.
The culture of “fine”
We live in a culture that idolizes resilience. Pushing through. Staying grateful. Looking put-together. And for women especially, there’s a subtle reward in being the one who handles everything quietly.
But sometimes, that cultural conditioning turns us into strangers to ourselves.
We learn to:
- Smile through sadness
- Perform normalcy even when we’re depleted
- Downplay our needs to avoid appearing “difficult”
We’re told, explicitly or not, that to need something deeply is a weakness. And so, instead of exploring that yearning, we shove it down until it becomes a heaviness we carry around every day.
5 signs your life looks fine but isn’t
If this is resonating with you, here are some subtle signs to watch for:
- You sleep enough but never feel rested
- Your days feel muted—not bad, just colourless
- You’re constantly busy but feel like nothing is meaningful
- You’re physically present with others but emotionally absent
- You keep telling yourself “I should be happy,” but the joy isn’t there
So what helps?
I wish I could say the answer is a vacation or a new hobby, but this kind of ache needs something deeper: reconnection. Here are some ideas as to how to bring about a sense of reconnection in your life.
Reconnect quietly with yourself
- Journal honestly, without editing your emotions
- Sit in silence and just notice what comes up
- Reflect on when you last felt alive, not just functional
Name the yearning
Ask yourself, what is your Sehnsucht? Is it:
- A version of you that felt more joyful?
- A dream that got shelved for practicality?
- An emotional connection you miss deeply?
Feel what you’ve avoided
- Grief that was never processed
- Anger that was suppressed to keep the peace
- Dreams you told yourself weren’t realistic
Talk honestly
- With your partner, if you have one
- With a therapist, if you can access one
- With yourself, daily
The quiet courage of realignment
You don’t need a dramatic life overhaul to find your way back to yourself. Sometimes it’s the smallest shifts that start the healing, such as:
- Saying no without guilt
- Making space for solitude
- Choosing presence over performance
I started small. A morning walk without my phone. A hard conversation with my spouse. A gentle but firm reminder to myself: You don’t need to earn rest. Or joy. Or softness.
Not broken but becoming
This phase isn’t failure. It’s a turning point. The ache you feel? That’s your soul asking to be heard.
We’re allowed to want more. To long. To feel empty, even when our life is full on the outside.
Sehnsucht is painful, yes. But it’s also sacred, because it points us back to what matters. It reminds us that we’re still capable of yearning. And in that yearning, we find our way home.
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