Ainsley had felt like an outsider amongst her peers for as long as she could remember. She had memories of standing in front of the mirror in the sixth grade before heading off to school wondering why she didn’t have many friends or look like the women in magazines. She desperately wanted to look like everyone else whom she thought was perfect because in her mind, she wasn’t. Ainsley had tried dying her hair, changing her style and exchanging her glasses for contacts, thinking this would make her likable.
Fast forward 30 years later, Ainsley was still chasing her dream of wanting to be liked, except now it was finally true. Ainsley had become the editor-in-chief of a lifestyle magazine. She knew that if she couldn’t be the “it” woman in the magazines, then she’d call the shots from behind the scenes.
Ainsley knew the media industry wasn’t for the weak. They lived by the motto: One day you’re in and the next day you’re out. Everyone knew Ainsley took pride in her work and only featured top-notch brands she’d developed great relationships with. But, in the back of her mind, she still had doubts about whether her colleagues really liked her or if they just wanted their brand featured on the magazine cover.
Her phone was constantly buzzing with requests from industry friends and professionals, and tonight was no exception. She arrived at the industry event a few minutes ahead of schedule, accompanied by Frankie, her photographer, who was there to capture photos and promote the brand she was representing.
Upon entering the event space, Ainsley was completely amazed by the ambiance. The dimmed, all black room was illuminated with candlelight, as subdued music played in the background. Frankie began snapping a few photos of Ainsley in her sleek black dress, so she could post them on social media. While Ainsley wasn’t on the cover of magazines, she was an icon online within the media industry—a dream of Ainsley’s for as long as she could remember.
Ainsley scrolled through the images. “These are awful. Let’s turn on the flash and try again.”
“OK, one second.” Frankie took 10 more images of Ainsley with the flash. “Here, look at these.”
“No, these are so blah. I can’t post any of them. I’ll get ripped to shreds online. Is it the dress or me? Why do I look so washed out?”
Frankie turned her head to get a better look. “I think it’s the lighting. Do you want to take photos out front?”
“No, I want the backdrop in my images. The brand is counting on me to post in their dress.”
Frankie took 15 more images of Ainsley in different poses in front of the candlelit ambiance. “Look at these. Do you see any you like?”
Ainsley glanced down. “No. I seriously must have been blind when I left the house in this dress. I look horrendous. But I have no choice but to post, or we may lose advertising from the client. I guess I’ll settle on this one.”
“You look amazing!” Frankie smiled.
Ainsley quickly edited the lighting in the photo as best as she could and posted the image. About halfway through the event, Ainsley excused herself to the ladies’ room. She pulled out her phone and couldn’t believe the negative comments she was receiving on social media. With thousands of followers, everyone had something to say about her. Her face turned completely white, and she turned to Frankie to ask, “Should I delete it?”
“No. Why would you delete it?”
Ainsley replied, “Because look what they’re saying! One person said I look like a trash bag. Another said I’m too old to wear this. Oh look, one nice person says I’m cutting edge. Another said to get a life.”
Frankie put on her lipstick. “Those are ridiculous. But I’m shocked you haven’t become used to these messages yet. You’ve been at the top of your game for years. And, you’re greatly admired; everyone loves you.”
Ainsley looked shocked. “You really think that?”
“Absolutely! I know I look up to you and so does everyone here tonight. These people online are complete strangers. Let’s go back to the party.”
Ainsley panicked as she scrolled through the messages. Her hands trembled when she read each one. While some of her followers showed support for her success, others clearly wanted to rain on her parade. She knew building her image in the digital world came with some harsh realities, but she hadn’t fully grasped just how brutal it could be. After all, her online image was meant to be an avenue for expressing her individuality and lifestyle, not a place for receiving derogatory comments.
She continued trying to block out the chatter of her followers, but the reality was that their voices weren’t going away. Ainsley had trouble focusing the rest of the evening and ended up dashing out of the event early. She told everyone she had a seven o’clock meeting in the morning. But the truth was, she wanted to go home and take a bubble bath, listen to music and escape from reality. Not being accepted by others had been her deepest fear since childhood.
The next day, Ainsley headed to work with a fake smile. Sitting at her desk trying to make her embarrassing nightmare disappear, she got a message from a friend about heading to a concert that evening. Ainsley knew dancing to music was exactly what she needed to let loose, so she agreed to go. Rummaging through her closet, she found her favourite jeans and a black top. She looked in the mirror one last time before throwing on her shoes and heading out the door.
Music: Her saving grace?
While at the concert, Ainsley snapped some photos with her girlfriend. She posted the image of them smiling and dancing then immediately shoved her phone into her back pocket and enjoyed the rest of the concert. Music was her saving grace from stress, and she started feeling free again.
On the way home, Ainsley pulled out her phone and saw thousands of likes on her photo from the concert. It made her smile, and she felt loved again by her fans—that was until she scrolled through the messages.
Ainsley read them out loud. “Look what this person said. ‘Do you ever stay home?’ And, another ‘Wow, you really dressed down tonight.’ Or how about this one, ‘Did you dye your hair because it looks awful?’ And another, ‘So cute but so last year.’ I seriously can’t catch a break lately.”
Ainsley’s friend replied, “People will always have something to say. Your friends and family are all that matter.”
Self-care is unplugging from the rest of the world.
Ainsley’s inner critic
Ainsley was living her dream of being a lifestyle magazine editor. She was doing exactly what she loved, but it came with the cost of not being accepted by all. Even though she thought she’d overcome her worst fears as a teenager, the minute she received harsh criticism from online fans, the self-doubt seeped into her mindset all over again.
Ainsley’s inner critical voice overshadowed her happiness, both personally and professionally. When a person suffers from low self-esteem, they likely grew up in a home with a highly critical parent or were overly pampered. This parent may have emotionally rejected the child for control, solely loved them based on appearance or image, or did everything for them, which robbed them of developing their confidence and self-worth.
This wreaks havoc on a child’s self-esteem and self-image, impacting their adulthood relationships. This led to Ainsley continuously searching for external validation as she struggled to find self-acceptance from within.
Her weekly social media posts were required for her career and online image as chief editor of a magazine. However, rather than setting digital boundaries for herself, she allowed social media to overpower and infiltrate beliefs about herself. Ainsley placed her self-worth in the hands of her fans and followers instead of accepting herself for who she was outside social media.
When it comes to cyberbullying, learning not to internalize people’s comments or even entertain them as the truth can save someone a lot of emotional distress. Shutting out the online chatter proved challenging for Ainsley because she neglected to operate from her values; instead, she was reacting to her emotional triggers of not feeling good enough. Setting personal limits on the type and amount of information consumed on social media can help create guidelines for a healthy lifestyle.
Defining digital boundaries
Digital boundaries enable individuals to assess the influence of positive and negative aspects of the digital world on their lives and relationships. They allow for limits to be set on time usage, interactions with apps, text messaging, photo sharing, video calls and protecting financial privacy during online transactions, as well as managing screen time for television shows and movies.
Digital privacy
In the digital world of opportunities and convenience, it’s imperative to define boundaries that secure your privacy. Protecting your digital life involves adding passwords, activating security features on your devices, utilizing privacy settings on social media, refraining from sharing precise locations, and guarding against potential identity and financial theft.
Having an online presence has become a fundamental part of modern-day life, serving as a platform for connections, professional branding, information sharing and digital transactions. With an increase in digital footprints, it has also amplified concerns for privacy breaches.
The ease of sharing personal information online has inadvertently exposed vulnerabilities in our private lives, such as financial threats, unsolicited spam, location tracking or unauthorized access to private information. To reduce risk, activating privacy modes and setting passwords empowers you to manage who can access your personal information.
Additionally, your digital privacy choices can significantly influence your real-world relationships. Some may willingly share phone passwords and location details, while others may value their privacy and choose to opt out of providing access to their devices.
Determining digital boundaries is a matter for each individual and household, including decisions regarding shared computers, tablets and passwords among family members. The establishment of such boundaries in a shared living space cultivates healthy relationships by addressing aspects like age-appropriate content, time usage and mutual respect.
For professionals who utilize electronic devices for work, maintaining clear digital boundaries and protecting personal information is paramount. Storing personal data on shared work devices could unintentionally lead to disclosure within the workplace or accidentally expose sensitive information to unauthorized parties, potentially jeopardizing your career or reputation.
Safeguarding your personal life is crucial for ensuring your privacy, security and connectivity in the digital world. Maintaining healthy boundaries with family members, limiting personal details with colleagues or employers, and regulating who has access to your online presence and personal information will be your responsibility to protect.
Digital timeouts
Electronic usage can be valuable and productive, but in today’s world, it can also adversely affect your mental health. Sometimes, an individual may be on their phone more than they prefer or get hooked on television marathons, which can become a source of relationship conflict, a distraction from personal goals, or weaken one’s self-esteem.
When electronic usage takes precedence over being fully present with others or your goals, it may indicate the need to reevaluate one’s digital priorities.
Many people, including individuals, couples and families, discover the benefits of taking timeouts from electronic devices. Boundaries such as refraining from phone usage during meals, implementing the Do Not Disturb function or setting time limits for screen time can contribute to a healthier relationship with electronics. Establishing timeouts will greatly depend on your personal lifestyle choices and what’s best for each individual or relationship dynamic.
For those working independently or within companies utilizing digital communication platforms for performance management, it’s best to establish digital boundaries. These boundaries can encompass response times for both urgent and non-urgent matters involving team members, as well as taking timeouts to manage performance and mental health.
The constant influx of private messages or chat room interactions from colleagues can disrupt concentration, decrease productivity and overstimulate the nervous system. By setting digital boundaries, one can support personal time during and after work hours, fostering a harmonious balance between work, life and love.
Digital boundaries with children and teens
Setting boundaries for children is necessary given the accessibility to digital applications and social media platforms, and technology’s impact on child development. Using parental features to protect a child’s self-esteem and safety is more important than ever due to a wide range of digital opportunities.
It’s not difficult for a child or teenager to accidentally click on a site with inappropriate content, predators or vulgar language that influences the child’s behaviours and impairs their safety. Most of the time, when a child ends up on these sites, it’s by chance, curiosity or influence from their inner circle.
Electronics may seem relatively harmless until you notice a child displaying new behaviours, withdrawing from everyday activities, resorting to their room more than usual, showing more signs of secrecy, engaging in unhealthy trends or exhibiting a diminished interest in school or friends. It may be a sign the child is emotionally struggling with life and needs extra support or real-life engagement outside electronics.
Monitoring the use of technology can benefit a child’s mental and emotional development, as they’re a sponge for learning and interpreting the information they come across on the internet. Constantly comparing themselves to others on digital platforms can lead to questioning their body image, self-esteem, social status, talents, physical athleticism and identity.
Children haven’t fully developed their identity during this exploration period, and this can weigh heavily on their belief system and sometimes lead to unfortunate circumstances or choices. Parental involvement and discretion are necessary when setting digital boundaries with children.
Cyberbullying
The surge of online digital platforms has made it easier for people to hide behind screens and engage in cyberbullying. This behaviour isn’t limited to social media but can be found in various online platforms, such as email, private text messages, gaming rooms and online message boards.
Cyberbullying can take various forms, such as harassment, falsified information, defamation of character, stalking, intellectual differences and beliefs, etc. And unfortunately, anyone can become a victim of online intimidation, which is why digital boundaries are a must.
The repercussions of cyberbullying can be detrimental, impacting an individual’s self-image and social reputation when exposed online. This impact can have lasting implications on career prospects, educational pursuits, social connections, affiliations with professional groups and other associations where character evaluation is fundamental to acceptance. In addition to harming an individual’s reputation, cyberbullying takes a toll on a person’s self-esteem and overall lifestyle.
It’s crucial to understand that cyberbullies who use disparaging language about another person reveal more about their own character than the victim. Cyberbullies often suffer from low self-esteem and shortcomings that they project onto others to avoid self-reflection. They may make hurtful remarks out of jealousy, envy, anger, instability, low self-worth or a desire for revenge.
Fortunately, many platforms now actively combat cyberbullying, protecting victims from defamation, abuse and threatening behaviour. While not every hurtful message or comment can be erased, it’s essential to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth and establish digital boundaries to protect oneself. This approach prevents the internalization of others’ actions and preserves one’s emotional and psychological well-being.
Ultimately, it’s paramount to use digital platforms responsibly, show kindness toward others and remember that behind every screen is a real person with authentic feeling.
Jan Yuhas, M.A., MFT and Jillian Yuhas, M.A., MFT are relationship and conflict resolution consultants and the international best-selling authors of Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method For Elevating Your Value and Relationships. Jan and Jillian have coached highly ambitious entrepreneurs, companies and families for more than a decade on building stronger relationships, elevating growth and mastering the art of setting boundaries both personally and professionally. For more visit them at janandjillian.com.
Excerpt from the book Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships ©2024 by Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas. Printed with permission from the authors.
images: Depositphotos