Not so long ago, marriage struggles were often tucked neatly behind closed doors, and in some cultures, this is still the norm. “Never air your dirty laundry,” the saying went.
Problems were dealt with (if at all) in whispered conversations between family members, or they simply weren’t spoken of. Silence was seen as dignity, and appearances were preserved at all costs.
Today, we’ve swung to the opposite extreme. The rise of technology (especially social media) has made it tempting to narrate our relational highs and lows in real time, sometimes to hundreds or thousands of strangers. A disagreement over finances or parenting can, within minutes, become a Facebook status, an Instagram story or a TikTok rant. We “share” for validation, for sympathy, or perhaps for the dopamine hit of digital attention. Some even monetize their daily drama for clicks.
Neither extreme—total secrecy, nor public play-by-play—serves marriage well. One isolates us in our struggles, and in cases of intimate partner violence, it puts us at risk when we most need help to get out of a terrible and overwhelming situation. The other dilutes the privacy and sacred trust between two people. Both approaches can distort reality, and I’d even go so far as to argue that both extremes can be unhealthy for our children and families.
Behind the screen vs. real life
Online, people are braver and bolder than they normally are face-to-face. Words typed in the heat of the moment are often harsher than those spoken across a kitchen table. Behind a screen, we can forget that the person we’re speaking about isn’t an abstract character in our story, but a flesh-and-blood human with flaws, dignity and feelings.
If we’re honest, some of the people we debate or overshare with online aren’t people we’d approach in person, let alone share our family drama with. The digital crowd, while eager to amplify our frustration, rarely provides the grounding presence we need to work through it in a healthy and balanced way.
Real life is quieter, more nuanced. Conflict doesn’t “trend” there. Instead, it unfolds, is addressed and (hopefully!) is resolved with mutual respect and understanding.
What makes a solid marriage?
Marriage, at its healthiest, is built on trust, mutual sacrifice, a shared vision and perseverance.
In the Christian understanding, it’s also a covenant. It’s a sacred promise before God and community. This covenant frames marriage as more than a contract of convenience; it’s a lifelong journey that shapes both people into better, more selfless versions of themselves.
Even if you’re not Christian, many biblical principles that relate to marriage, such as faithfulness, forgiveness, honesty and patience, still create a solid foundation for a healthy partnership. They protect children, nurture stability and encourage a culture of commitment and compassion in an age that prizes instant gratification and individualism at all costs.
The mental load we carry
In many homes, women often carry the mental load of remembering birthdays, scheduling dentist appointments, buying groceries, monitoring the kids’ emotional well-being and juggling social obligations. Often, they do all this while taking care of their own professional and personal responsibilities. There’s an unseen spreadsheet in the mind that never fully closes, and it’s utterly exhausting.
Men carry a mental load, too, though it often looks different. Many also bear the weight of financial provision, societal expectations of stoicism, or unspoken pressure to “fix” problems quickly. These burdens can also be invisible and exhausting.
Acknowledging both loads and not assuming one is heavier simply because it’s different is a step towards compassion and teamwork.
Knowing when to walk away
To uphold marriage is to treat it as the precious, fragile and enduring bond it is. That means investing in it through communication, prayer, time and shared goals, and protecting it from unnecessary exposure to the glare of public opinion.
I often wonder how the rise of oversharing online affects how future generations will see marriage, the family and our values.
Sometimes walking away becomes the path of integrity. When safety, dignity, and/or emotional health is repeatedly compromised, and reconciliation isn’t possible or safe, walking away might be the best and only option.
However, even then, ending a marriage doesn’t have to mean broadcasting every painful detail online. Lately, I’ve been seeing more and more stories in my feed of separations shared like daily doses of soap opera drama, complete with obviously distressed children in the background and angry spouses front and centre. Instead of healing anyone, it only adds to the chaos and messiness.
Granted, who am I to tell others what to do or post online, but I often wonder how
the rise of oversharing online affects how future generations will see marriage, the family and our values.
Ultimately, boundaries protect not just your spouse’s dignity but your own.
The sacred middle ground
Between the suffocating silence of the past and the unfiltered megaphone of the present, there’s a sacred middle ground. This involves seeking counsel from trusted people in your inner circle, including mentors or professionals, and processing conflicts privately before deciding if and how to share them publicly.
Moreover, if you have children, it means not pulling them into the drama in ways that create unhealthy role reversals or make a mockery of the promises you and your partner once made to each other. Kids see and absorb everything!
They see the words spoken and unspoken, the actions you take and the weight those
actions carry in real time. No matter how much we reassure ourselves with lines like “Kids are resilient; they’ll be fine,” the truth is that our children notice far more than we think.
Marriage isn’t a curated feed or a flawless highlight reel. It’s a living, breathing, imperfect union between two people who are learning, failing, forgiving and growing. And that’s something worth protecting, even in the age of oversharing.
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image: Mikhail Nilov