Over the years, I’ve taken to asking long-term couples about their recipe for success. With couples who have been married for decades, I figure they have had enough time and practice to offer some helpful words of advice.
I’ve received answers you may have guessed: “Never go to bed mad.” “Resort to humour when possible.” And so forth. But the most important piece of advice from a couple happily married more than 60 years was this: “Always help each other get your needs met.”
This one stuck with me.
It was a stunning insight into the nature of intimacy and the importance of respecting and cherishing one another. Humans who don’t have needs met are unhappy, and who would ever want their beloved partner to be unhappy?
What is the point of an intimate relationship if it doesn’t enhance well-being, happiness, pleasure, joy and all the good things in life that we so desire? And conversely, what if the relationship doesn’t support the most basic needs we have?
Meeting needs is most important
I can’t overstate this point: getting your needs met is the most important common element of intimate relationship. If both partners aren’t fully invested in doing what they can to help meet each other’s needs, then the relationship alchemy inevitably fails.
Whatever values you prioritize in relationship, whatever has brought you together, whatever quirks each of you adore about the other, if you aren’t both willing to devote yourselves to the needs of the other, then this isn’t a relationship.
It’s a sinking ship.
No one needs to stay on a sinking ship.
When we’re with the right intimate partner, their investment in meeting our needs matches our own investment in meeting theirs. It’s the thing we do to contribute to the relationship, to make that sacred third thing—the relationship—a safe, secure, wonderful place to be.
It’s an act of devotion, something that takes us outside of ourselves and our own selfish notions and makes life bigger. It connects us to another human being and grows our heart.
The effects of this can’t be overestimated. When we devote ourselves to a worthy partner in this way, we elevate our own mental health and well-being. We alleviate apathy, heal disconnection, find a sense of purpose in our lives and avoid tendencies towards narcissism and isolation. We contribute to the well-being of another, which lessens depression and anxiety.
In fact, people who are happy in their long-term committed relationships live longer, enjoy improved health and have reduced stress. This isn’t true for unhappy relationships, nor is it true for people who live alone.
Oddly, the best thing you can do for your health and longevity is to engage in a happy, mutually beneficial long-term committed partnership. Luckily, the key to creating a happy relationship isn’t rocket science.
It’s meeting each other’s needs.
Evaluating needs
Now, before we plunge down a rabbit hole of “buts” and “what ifs,” let’s assess all needs on the basis of whether they serve the highest good of both individuals in some way. If one partner’s “need” feels damaging to the other or to the relationship, then it’s a selfish request, not a need.
As long as needs fulfill the values of the relationship and serve the relationship, then each partner has a responsibility to help meet that need. Your partner may have a need for alone time or a weekend escape with friends. If it gives them the space and clarity to come back refreshed and happy to be in the relationship, then you would gladly help them get that need met.
Or you may have a need for a dietary change or a sleep schedule shift. Though it might be uncomfortable, ultimately it could create better health for both of you, so by all means, your partner would want to meet that need.
One partner may need to relocate for a job opportunity that advances their career, and even though it may mean leaving family and friends, if this helps you both reach the goals you have for the relationship, then it’s probably time to start packing.
Meeting the needs that arise in the relationship may require some sacrifice. Sacrifice is part of the love you give to the other. It’s the cost of buying into the relationship gold you create together. Everything of value is worthy of its price.
And that energetic exchange you offer—the willingness to compromise—actually makes the relationship and your partner more valuable to you. It means you each have skin in the game. It means you each are choosing the relationship, day after day. It means you each are committed wholeheartedly to the partnership.
Of course, beware of needs that are harmful to the other or to the relationship. When a need subjugates, diminishes or negates in any way, that results in manipulation and martyrdom. One partner manipulates the other into meeting their selfish request, while the other martyrs themself to honour the request. This is a foundational behaviour of co-dependency, which never ends well.
The problems with co-dependency
In the simplest terms, codependency occurs when someone is perceived as not having their own inner agency, and so they either need outside help or are subject to coercion. When someone is viewed as disempowered, incomplete or in need of assistance only someone else can provide, then co-dependency kicks in.
In a co-dependent relationship, there are three roles: the rescuer, the persecutor and the victim. The victim is always the disempowered person, the one viewed as not capable. In fact, a person may play the victim in order to solicit help and sympathy from another. We know someone is playing the victim when there is a sense of “poor me,” or that the problems are the world’s fault and not their own, or when they feel they have no agency in a situation.
A victim pairs with a persecutor or a rescuer. A rescuer is effectively an enabler of bad behaviour, the one who makes excuses for the victim, believes their inauthentic cries for help or takes them back just one more time. “But they need me” is the sentiment of the rescuer, who believes that those around them are incapable of doing for themselves what needs to be done.
A persecutor, on the other hand, blames, shames and lashes out at the victim. The persecutor finds fault and criticizes the victim, leaving no room for mercy or an open heart. The persecutor always feels that they’re absolutely right and that everyone else is wrong.
In co-dependency, people often switch among these three roles. The victim may get tired of the persecutor lashing out and so may become a persecutor themselves. The rescuer might be fed up with the victim’s behaviour and become a persecutor. Or a rescuer or persecutor may turn into a victim when they seek sympathy for all their attempts to change the other person.
It’s a vicious cycle. One that digs at the heart of our deepest and most lasting wounds in the unconscious. Co-dependency itself is an unconscious behavior that needs awareness and support to resolve. It’s possible to elevate oneself out of codependency, but not as long as we believe we “need” another person or we believe they “need” us.
Remember, meeting the needs of another never disempowers them or us, but rather elevates and adds to their well-being and ours.
Healthy relationships are interdependent
Healthy relationships aren’t codependent. They’re interdependent. Being in a relationship is not a source of weakness or an act of submission. It’s not giving up, giving over or giving in.
A healthy relationship serves the highest good and seeks to meet the needs of the people in it. We’re empowered, enlivened and enthused through relationship. And when the relationship brings us pleasure from the fulfillment of our needs, it creates great satisfaction.
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D., is a bestselling author, educator, thought leader and expert on mythology, spirituality, psychology and women’s empowerment. The author of Sacred Sound and Myths of the Asanas, she earned a doctorate in mythological studies with an emphasis in depth psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and is the host of The Satisfied Woman podcast. She lives in Los Angeles. More information at TheSatisfiedWoman.com.
Excerpted from the book The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Reclaiming Feminine Power. Copyright © 2024 by Alanna Kaivalya, PhD. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com
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